Today we have a post from the ever entertaining Avitable. The first time I read his blog, there was a picture of a guy dressed in lingerie with his private part in a car tailpipe. And yet, somehow, he just keeps topping that. Amazing.

Adam's Christmas List

By Adam of Avitable.com

The idea of celebrating a day when a fat disheveled hairy guy who likes kids on his lap is going to break into my fucking house, steal food, make a mess, and leave remuneration in the form of wrapped presents that I have to unwrap before I even know if I'll like them is ludicrous. But people love it!

So, in the Christmas spirit, here's what I'd ask for from that red-garbed sweaty bastard if I was fighting off his hard-on as I perched myself on his ample lap:

1. I'd like a Nintendo Wii. I know it has a funny name, and apparently the FCC ID for it has "POO" in it, so let's all laugh like a couple of retarded first graders. But I love video games, and the concept of a video game that actually inspires a less sedentary lifestyle is interesting to me. And while I wouldn't mind playing virtual tennis or bowling, I know I'm just biding my time for a Wii-mote that I can put on my penis and have virtual sex with.

2. I'd like a dolphin. I would be perfectly willing to spend whatever is necessary to make most of my backyard into a tank for a dolphin. They're so intelligent that it's uncanny, and I'd love to have a baby dolphin to train. I'd put big tubes through my house so the dolphin can swim from his tank, hang out and watch TV with us, and I'd teach him to answer the door, as well. It would be like the fishy-smelling, cold, rubbery son I never had.

3. I'd like to be able to teleport. While I enjoy road trips, the time involved that I could be working and making money dwindles if I have to travel. I'd be much more social if I could just think of a location and appear there. I understand that the physics involved might be difficult to calculate, because not only would the transmission have to be close to instantaneous, but all elements of my clothing would have to be perfect so that my shirt doesn't end up inside me or something like that. That being said, I'd be happy to teleport naked if that made it easier. I'll just have to alert my hosts that I'll need a giant blanket with which to swaddle myself.

4. I'd like to be able to kill any of the following people without any repercussions:

• Dane Cook. He's not funny. He's unoriginal and completely fucking retarded.
• Rush Limbaugh and Al Franken. They're both ridiculous blowhards. Throw Bill O'Reilly, Pat Robertson, Ann Coulter, Nancy Grace, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Joe Lieberman in there, too.
• OJ Simpson. Somebody has to.
• Morgan Spurlock. This redneck bastard ruined McDonald's Supersized Meals. I liked my Supersized soda and fries, dammit!
• Jack Valenti. I think he's retired now, but the president of the MPAA is a piece of shit who made the ratings of movies the arbitrary clusterfuck that it is now.
• The Fox executive who greenlit The War at Home. Do I need to explain why?
• Meryl Streep and Glenn Close. I can't explain it - I think they're hideous creatures and I hate them with every fiber of my being.
• Peter Jackson. He can't make a good movie to save his life. The LOTR movies were not good, people. The dialogue was horrible, the editing was horrendous, they were too long, and the plotting sucked. King Kong was a diarrheal mess. He needs to die before he's allowed to do anything else.

So, you bastard saint of greed and commercialism, is that too much to ask for during the Christmas season? I'll wait quietly by my tree on Christmas eve, shotgun in hand, to make sure that this Avitable ends up on the "Nice" list for once.